Writing and the such like

I hope it didn't hurt.

2007-05-15T16:34:00.000Z

I hope it didn't hurt,

When you fell back down to Earth,
All we did was flirt,
I have nothing of worth,
To keep us together,

Useless I've become,
Never can I soften these words,
Tender and as safe as you made be,
I am not for you,
Love is an alien emotion to me,

I am selfish,

A genuine person like you deserves more,
More than I can give you,

Caring for you,
Entertains all the thoughts that scare me,
Ready for the future is something I'll never be,
Try as hard as you like,
All you do is push me further away,
I can't give you what I haven't got,
Neglect me because that's what I'm used to,

I can't let my heart entwine

Around your so loving heart,
Memories are all that I'm leaving you,

Run away from me,
Enjoy your life with someone else,
And maybe we'll stay friends,
Don't hate me forever, just remember;
Yes, I've hurt you but I tried not to.

Student loans, coursework...and hardly any writing

2007-03-19T16:43:00.000Z

This afternoon was pretty damn amusing. Student loans! I have cursed just about every known living individual that works on means tested loans today. I understand that some parents have the means to support their children at university (or should I say 'Sponsor' as the website says!), but I assume that the majority of parents can't afford to supplement their child's student lifestyle. My parents can not afford this luxury and therefore I shall be totally dependent on the amount of money I can borrow from the Student Loan Company.

It winds me up though to think that despite the fact that I'm only going to university to obtain a degree so that I can then get a PGCE and then embark upon my chosen career path, I am being restrained by financial aspects. To put it bluntly, it pisses me off to some considerable extent that some people are only going to university as it is what is expected of them after achieving their A-levels. It will be no more than a chance to waste three years whilst deciding what they want to do with their lives, three years where they will mostly probably spend getting laid, pissed and generally wasting a hell of a lot of money.

I finished my English Literature Coursework for the deadline which I'm bloody glad about, but I still have my English Language Coursework hanging over me like a big black cloud. I submitted a first draft and have still to redraft it and hand it in for the final deadline which is this Wednesday. ARGGGGGHHHHHH!

I haven't written anything of my book for such a long time that it seems bizarre. My life is writing, through various forms but I enjoy writing my novel(s) the most. My excuse for not having written anything? To be honest I don't have one. Of course coursework and homework takes up some of my time but I still haven't been dedicating enough of my time to doing c/work or h/work to enable me to say that I haven't had time to write. Ideas are still flowing and the characters live on in my head to the point where I can imagine every single little detail in their lives, but every time I sit before my laptop to start typing the words just aren't there!

Sure it contains certain aspects that appear to be writer's block, but when I've had writer's block before it has actually prevented me from having any ideas at all to which direction my book is going to take or having ideas for new parts of the story. HELP! My novels need it, if I am ever going to be in a position to write those fateful two words on the last page!

Lyrics

2007-03-06T17:10:00.000Z

My music tastes are what you might call non-existent as the majority of the time the play list on my i-pod consists of old tunes that are to do with love break ups but although it may seem that I perhaps have little interest in music, this is not the case.

The lyrics are what are what has always fascinated me with music. Quite often lyrics to love songs can resemble poetry and that's what I like about them. When you can almost feel the strength and truth behind the singers' words, then there is a song that is just as clever as any piece of poetry or prose. Music has the ability to make poetry accessible to even the most illiterate human and that surely has to be a good thing.

On Youtube on Sunday I found a song by a band that I really like the sound of. The lyrics in this song actually mean a lot, have a read:

How To Save A Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As she goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Conversion

2007-02-27T16:58:00.000Z

I haven't written a lot of my second book yet I was, until the other day, quite happy with it. Having started it quite some time ago I found that, despite the fact that the writing was ok, it needed remodeling to fit in with how my ideas have evolved. Anyone who has attempted to write a novel or even a short story will know that you can read something that you've written and suddenly realise that its not quite right. This happened the other night because I had been attempting to write about a subject before I was completely happy that I was confident with the information. The main character in my second book is going to be suffering from an ailment (I don't want to say too much!), which requires sensitivity and approaching it in the right way to let the audience see the deterioration. My first book is of course, for the most part, in third person and I thought naturally that I would follow the same pattern. This was until I was remodeling the before mentioned beginning. I then realised that what I had written was disjointed and didn't flow.
I needed the section to be disjointed in certain respects to give the audience an indication of the character's mental state, but I know that if a book doesn't flow then it doesn't work. Simple as that. I know, I've read enough books that tell the story through switching and swapping little bursts with big chunks, and have often consequently sworn about the author and stopped reading before I got to the end. After a long conversation with Nic who was, as always, more than ready to listen and discuss the extract that I was having problems with, we both came to the conclusion that perhaps I should try to rewrite the thirteen or so pages into first person perspective! It is an arduous task as there is so much more that you have to write when talking from a character in first person. All the little thoughts that as a human we have whilst we're actually doing something else have to be incorporated for it to read right, and that takes a lot more time and creativity. It is a challenge that I relish, but I'm being distracted at the moment! Read my other blog for info!

2007-02-24T16:30:00.000Z

I've changed the order of the posts on here to reflect the order they were truly written. They were originally published on my poetry site through poetrypoem.com, but due to a change in procedures I would have had to email my poetry in and I didn't like that I had the control taken away from me. My favourite poem, the one that I think actually shows some of my capability as a poet is 'Just smile in Reply'. It sums up how we all have this shield that protects us from the world, and how at the original time of writing, I had attempted to lift my shield and found that I got hurt as a result.

Through writing poetry I've found that words quite often have the power to sum exactly what we are thinking when we could never have verbalised them. The need to be strong can be wiped away and you can quite literally be falling apart, yet people will accept it when it is written through poetry because it is, in its own way, a form of coping.

Lost Chances and Inner Demons

2007-02-24T13:55:00.000Z

Lost Chances and Inner Demons

I have been writing my book now for over a year which seems like a long time when you consider how often some professional writers are churning out new bestsellers, but of course here is the crucial word that is overlooked; professional. These people are so privileged in my opinion, I would love to be able to dedicate my working life to writing just like I do in the holidays but of course I also unfortunately have to pass my A levels!

At the moment I am working steadily on my second novel despite not having finished the first one, which seems rather bizarre as it is with the same characters (minus one) but with their lives eight years on. The ideas are still fresh and the direction in which I am going to take the characters is still questionable, and it makes it exciting. My first novel, I know how it will end and the way the story has to go to get there and that limits me creatively to a certain extent. It’s enthralling to work through all the background that the characters are going to need and to allow the audience to fill some of the time gap that has opened up between the novels, and I love it. I've been researching and luckily found that everything that I thought was correct, is correct! Go me!

I had initially set myself a target last year of finishing my book by Xmas last year, but that quite clearly wasn't going to happen and so I've set myself a new target. I will finish my first book before I go to uni. So there it is, in black and white, I have proclaimed that I have an ideal finishing date!

Update on books coming again soon!

Oh how sweet Valentine's Day is

2007-02-24T13:54:00.000Z

Oh how sweet Valentine’s Day is

I convince myself that's its commercial,
False words printed on card,
Red roses double in price just for that one day,
Candle lit dinners,
All lovey-dovey shit,
None of this matters to me.

No of course it doesn't,
It's a day created by the industry,
I don't want to open a card lovingly chosen for me,
Waste of money as it means nothing,
I don't want any part in the slushy romance,
But then with the right guy it's not slushy.

Oh how sweet Valentine's would be,
If I could only find the right guy for me,
So perhaps I would wake up to find that single red rose.

"You see it does matter to me that I woke to find nothing for me on Valentine's day, not that I should have expected anything different as it's always the same. I just thought I would share with others the way I tried to get on with it."

Just smile in reply

2007-02-24T13:52:00.002Z

Just smile in reply

My heart feels like its been ripped from my chest,
And it takes every single muscle in my body to stop myself falling apart,
Tears well in my eyes yet I must blink them back,
Some days its worse than others,
Because perhaps I'll look at the sun shining and realise I feel hollow,
Or perhaps the corny romance stuff makes me want to scream,
But when you ask me if I'm ok; I shall always reply "Yes",
I don't want to have to admit to this dead place inside of me,
Once I got over him I thought everything would be ok,
Yet now I realise that I need someone,
As I'm not that strong.

So when you see me with that big beam on my face,
Know only that it is a thin disguise,
Because behind these walls I am falling apart,
But smile back at my reply,
And let me cope the way I know best,
Because nothing you can do will help,
Don't let me drink to oblivion,
Nor fall from this great height,
Remind me of who I was before,
My heart will heal,
And I become who I was before only stronger.

Simple nice things are very rarely that

2007-02-24T13:52:00.001Z

I was angry at you,
Because I had every reason to be,
I chose to call you certain names,
Because believe me you deserved them,
I could never be friends with you,
Because of what you had promised me.

I know now that your words were cheap,
Because they hurt me,
I don't see why you got so angry at me,
Because afterall you DID deserve to be called those names and more,
I hope you don't screw up your next relationship,
Because you can't treat people's hearts like that,

I wanted to have something good in my life,
Because you seemed to fuflfill that need,
I let myself feel happy,
Because you claimed to never hurt me,
I am now left with the tatters of my dreams,
Because you wanted to be 'just friends'

Realisation

2007-02-24T13:51:00.000Z

I can't help but think,
That as the tears start to fall,
There's no one here to wipe them away.

How can it be that I only now want to cry?
Perhaps the truth has finally hit home,
And that's why I wish to bawl my eyes out.

When I think of what we could have been,
It makes me more sure that that is what I want,
But you weren't the one for me.

All I want is someone to love,
And in turn someone who will love me,
Is that too much to ask?

My last words

2007-02-24T13:50:00.000Z

If my mornings had all but gone,
I would whisper in your ear,
Sweet nothings that only you could hear,
I would smile knowing that I could die with no regrets,
That secret would not go to the grave with me,
And you would realise that suddenly everything is clear,
The puzzle would be complete.

I live and learn

2007-02-24T13:48:00.000Z

I can't help but look back and wonder,

And now everything I thought was good is sour,
Memories are all that I have left of you,

Walking down the road,
I know that back on the straight and narrow is what I should aim for,
The detour was not as pointless as it seemed,
Having to realise that the road hasn't changed,
Of course the pain will still be there for awhile,
Until I can accept that you were never everything to me,
Trouble; that was your name.

You weren't who I thought you were,
Obviously I hate you at the moment,
Unlucky is my route I follow in love.

Not the one day I dreamt of

2007-02-24T13:47:00.000Z

I could call you every name under the sun,
But it wouldn't help me,
I could cry until my eyes are red and raw,
But the tears have long since dried,
I could pretend that we never existed,
But we did and we both know it,
I could collapse into a pile of devastation,
But we all know I'm stronger than that,
I could wish you ill,
But that's not me,
I could go out and drink until oblivion is reached,
But what's the point?

What's the point in any of this?
I could believe that your words meant nothing to me,
But they helped at the time,
I could say that I don't know how I'll survive,
But I do know, believe it or not; I wish to thank you.
I could say that I regret our brief time together,
But I can't as it's a lie,
I could say that I won't look back at us,
But I know I will because you were the one that made me move on.

In these few days

2007-02-24T13:46:00.002Z

I've let you see,
Right into the core of me,
Through to the heart,
And the seemingly impenetrable walls,
Because you make my heart skip a beat,
My face is adorned with smiles,
You occupy my thoughts,
I'm gonna let myself fall this time,

And please, oh please, be there to catch me.

On the verge

2007-02-24T13:46:00.001Z

The edge, the curb, the cusp,
I know I'm standing there.

Love's previous ties are loosening,
And the heart's loyalties are swapping.

The world spins so fast that my mind boggles,
Everything that was clear suddenly isn't.

I used to think of you all the time,
But now I think of him.

So as I stand here on the verge,
Please let me have found my 'one day'

Am I really nearly there?

2007-02-24T13:45:00.000Z

I think that just maybe I'm where I should be...

When I stand in the street I see nothing but crowds of unfamiliar faces,
I look into his eyes and see only him,
When we kissed I felt a spark,
His name makes me smile not yours,
I feel nothing when you say 'we' in reference to 'you and her',
I'm confused but the smile never leaves my face,
The memories are just that; memories

Sometimes I think 'x' who?
I sit and listen to the voicemail from him just to hear his voice,
When reading emails from you I don't always take heed,
I long to be in his arms not yours,
Since we met I've felt nothing but happiness,
Everyone's noticed the difference he's made to me,
Abstract thinking of you makes me sure you were the one who missed out,

Knowing all this scares me,
Because afterall one day has perhaps come sooner than I thought it would.

You've been a part of my life for so long...

2007-02-24T13:44:00.000Z

I never said anything,
But every time I heard the phone ring,
I longed to hear your voice,
You gave me no choice,
Because my heart chose to love you.

Insult me and stop talking to me,
Because that's the way it has to be,
If only you I could hate,
Our friendship is nothing but bait,
I want to move on.

You have a hold over me so strong,
And you don't even know what you've doing wrong,
I can't do this friendship thing,
Just look at my heart's beating,
My life would be easier without you.

I can't have you as my lover,
And at the moment I want no other,
Without you my life looked bleak,
Yet now I know I was weak,
We can't be friends when I want to be so much more.

So let me run,
Let me think not of you,
Let my life get back to normal,
Let me know that there is life after love,
Let me know that the life I had before love can be mine again.

My thoughts wander

2007-02-24T13:43:00.002Z

I've known it for a long time,
Yet still I try to deny it,
Never admit it and it doesn't exist- somehow even I know it won't work.

I close my eyes and there you are,
I see your name in the simplest of words,
I see your smile when the sun shines,
I hear your voice as the birds sing,
Yet I know you're not there.

When you are no longer in my thoughts,
I shall sit and complete my tasks,
I might even be able to concentrate in exams.

But until that day I'll relish the time when my thoughts wander and I find You.

Why sorry seems to be the hardest word

2007-02-24T13:43:00.001Z

Three weeks is a long time,
For this stony silence to sit around us,
I should make the first move,
But some-thing's stopping me,

I've always been stubborn,
You should know this as much as anyone,
But then you didn't know how much hurt,
Your callous words would cause,

Despite what you might think,
I'm happy,
And for once that's all I care about,
I don't need your stamp of approval,

You may have been my mate since I was three,
And you'll still be the one I turn to,
As and when things sour,
But I want both,

I want our friendship back,
I want it like it was,
But I want to keep my boyfriend,
And I want you to accept it,

I want to be able to say that one word.

What do I really ask from you?

2007-02-24T13:40:00.000Z

This poem is dedicated to anyone who has had a hard time with friends accepting that as humans we have differences.

I'd have thought by now that we'd know one another,
But right now it seems like too much bother,
Fifteen years is a long time,
But right now I'd swap it for no more than a dime,

Because you've hurt me tonight,
Just when I was doing alright,
You dash my dreams with the harshness of your word,
Leaving me wondering why this is so absurd.

I never asked you to like it,
But nice words would have helped a bit,
You call yourself a friend,
But not even my enemies would go to that end.

What are we left with?

2007-02-24T13:38:00.000Z

Smiles have become constant frowns,
Silence fills the air where laughter used to ring,
Annoyance where mutual enjoyment was,
Whispers and secrets hang between us,
Trust broken never can be truly replaced,
Doubts gnaw at the brain,
Every inch apart seems like miles,
Something has gone rotten,
Milk turned sour and bread now stale.
Everything I thought I’d miss,
Has become everything I want to escape,
Perhaps we’ve grown apart,
Or perhaps we were never really that close to start with,
So what are we left with?

Gonna take a bit more than a Bandaid

2007-02-24T13:36:00.001Z

I'm hurting you see,
Yet I have no reason,
I haven't cut myself,
There's no visible bruise,
But internal wounds hurt so much more,
This awesome pain spreads like a disease,
And it makes me cry,
Tears slip down my cheeks,
Slowly at first,
Until great rivers spread around me,

And then I realise,
It's gonna take a bit more than a Bandaid to mend my broken heart.

One day

2007-02-24T13:34:00.000Z

One day…

I know there will be a day,
When I no longer search for your face in the street,
When I shall be able to look into another’s eyes without seeing you,
When I can kiss another without wishing it was you,
When I can say your name without it hurting,
When I don’t have to turn away when I see you with her,
When I can look back and laugh at these feelings,
When the memories of you fade,

I know there will be a day,
When I actually have to try to remember you,
When I don’t think your voice is the sweetest music my ears could ever hear,
When your words count for nothing,
When I long to be in another’s arms,
When it no longer hurts,
When pain no longer rips my heart,
When I no longer think of you,

You see I know all this,
Yet I just don’t see when one day is.

HIM

2007-02-24T13:33:00.000Z

HIM

I sit here wishing yet I know there’s no good in it,
I wish I could just hate him,
I wish I could just bury the memories,
I wish I could just erase him from my heart.

But I can’t.
I can’t just keep pretending,
I can’t wipe away my tears,
I can’t rid the images.

I know as I sit here,
He’ll be kissing her,
He’ll be holding her,
He’ll be there for her.

Every time I think I’m over him,
Something reminds me of him,
Something makes me smile,
Something makes me cry.

It makes me cry,
And the tears fall as I laugh,
And the tears fall as I sleep,
And the tears fall as my heart dies.

Forbidden Love

2007-02-24T13:31:00.000Z

No sun shines,
No rain falls,
Vast nothingness absorbs me,
For you're not here.

Once sighted; Always loved.

No words could speak of this love,
It cuts deeper,
Every time I see you and say nothing,

It cuts deeper;
As each day passes without you.

My heart chose you,
But my mouth couldn't speak,
Because my brain knew if I did,
I'd lose you.

I've tried to forget,
Tried to erase you from my heart,
Every time I've died,

Without you,
My life has no meaning.

It cuts deeper as each day goes,
Knowing my heart beats for you,
But yours doesn't beat for me.

The beginnings of a beatiful site

2007-01-20T16:42:00.000Z

I'm going to be publishing my poetry on this site and quite often bits and pieces to do with my book(s) on here. Comments are most welcome!